Boundaries vs. Business

Top: my ideal life; living in the wide open beauty of Wyoming. No cell phone, no distractions. A studio in an old barn, writing music all day.

Bottom: my actual life on days like I’ve had recently where I’m trying to get work done, but my phone is blowing up with calls, texts, emails, Facebook messages, etc.

It’s good to be busy, and generally good to be “needed.” But I’m learning I’ve developed some really unhealthy ways of dealing with that. This particular struggle has been waging war on my life for a long time, and I feel like I’m close to a meltdown if I don’t get it under control. 

Probably because I have a ridiculous amount of tech & gear trivia rattling around my brain, I seem to be on speed dial for a LOT of folks when they need help or advice on something. Combine that with the insidious people-pleaser in me who wants to be liked and needed, and this is a recipe for really unhealthy living. Somewhere along the way, I’ve confused unhealthy boundaries with good business sense. My internal monologue probably goes something like this: “If I keep being everyone’s go-to guy, I’ll be respected, and it will keep me on people’s radar for future opportunities.”

There are weeks (like this one) when I get dozens of calls, texts, emails, and direct messages from people who all want my opinion on something; a gear recommendation, a how-to question, career advice, the occasional “will you listen to my music” inquiry…. and just one text can turn into a whole thread. Multiply that by dozens. And since I released my BackStage Pass software last year, there are always questions coming in about that, too. All of this in addition to the calls, emails, and texts from my employers and peers about current obligations… and some of those alone can fill much of a workday.

Here’s the dilemma: I truly love helping people, but the sheer volume of it vastly exceeds my available “bandwidth.” There were 2 days this week that I hardly got any of my own work done because I made myself available to everyone else as soon as possible.  And I’ve learned that phrase is a big part of my problem: it doesn’t mean what I’ve believed for so long.

I always figured it makes sense to get back to people as soon as possible. It’s part of the message we’ve heard on voice mail and answering machines for decades: “I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.” But then there’s that little voice in my head that whispers “you need to impress people, even if that means dropping what you’re doing RIGHT NOW to help them. They will like you more if you do, and you’ll keep your reputation of being ‘the go-to guy.’” It’s been a painful realization, but that “go-to guy” has been costing me dearly my entire life. There’s a big difference between as soon as possible and right now.

There’s also the ‘F’ word: Fear. Especially since starting my little software side-business, I’m very sensitive to wanting to impress my customers. After all, they’ve paid me for something, so on the rare occasion someone has a problem or doesn’t understand some part of it, I’m afraid they’ll be dissatisfied - or worse - mad at me because they might think my hard work is defective, or because I don’t respond right away to help them. So when those calls and texts come in, you guessed it - I drop my own pressing work to help them right away when as soon as possible would suffice. Never mind that the majority of questions I get are answered in the manuals I spent hours writing, or the videos I’ve put together. There’s certainly room to grow there, but I digress…

Now I don’t want to give the wrong impression here. I never resent people for asking me for help or advice. I do genuinely enjoy helping people, and when it comes to my business, I certainly believe in supporting my customers in every way possible. However, I simply cannot keep confusing as soon as possible with right now. I cannot keep making myself available to everyone right now if that comes at a cost to my own obligations and productivity. I have to learn that sometimes as soon as possible means people I care about might have to wait on me.

I’m learning that the cost of not having healthy boundaries is all too real. You see, knowledge is never free; acquiring it always comes at a cost to someone. I shudder to imagine the amount of time I’ve spent in my life giving “free” advice. It must add up to a staggering amount. And it wasn’t free; I simply paid for it and gave it away. And it’s crucial to note that’s a good thing to a healthy degree - it’s part of being generous, which I also enjoy! But when it’s your entire way of being - constantly sacrificing your own productivity on the altar of perception or feeling “needed” - things get out of whack and the cost is immense.

So, I’m taking some immediate steps toward better mental and emotional health for myself and those precious ladies who have to live with me. When I’m at work in my studio, my phone will be on “Do Not Disturb” with exceptions for family and current employers. I’ll be sending out new guidelines for BackStage Pass customers detailing a new email-based support system like most companies use. And when other calls, texts, and DMs do come in, I’m going to be better about letting them go based on their urgency - or lack thereof.  And if I don’t respond, that’s probably an indication that the answer can be found the same way I find them: our mutual friend Google ;-)

Finally, this is part of my motivation for my new All Access Live series. I see that as a time where I can freely share what I’ve learned over the years, respond to questions, nerd out on gear talk, and ideally, learn from each other. I hope you will join one of those - they are a fun outlet for me and, I hope, valuable to my friends and customers!

The path of self-discovery isn’t always fun, but it’s necessary to grow and improve. I want to be a “better me.” Thanks so much for your encouragement, understanding, and friendship! And DO stay in touch - just know I might take a little longer than usual to reply!

Much love,

Jim